This is a true story about yours truly. I contemplated at length whether to share this story, as it’s so incredibly embarrassing. As a blogger, I feel a somewhat professional responsibility not to highlight my flaws, and to perform due diligence in filtering any propensity to overshare. However, the more I mull over whether this story makes me want to laugh or cry, the more I end up laughing. And so, I am sharing, because we all need to laugh a little more.
Food trends come and go, along with my sanity surrounding food. I’m in favor of expanding your horizons and trying new things, but sometimes rationality gets lost in the flourish of what everybody else is doing. Take aquafaba. If I ever start posting recipes with aquafaba, just kill me now. Wait, I already have posted a recipe with aquafaba, but back then, it was called canned bean liquid. Afterwards, a friend in my running club read that post and sarcastically told me he couldn’t wait to get home from our run and try some canned bean liquid. Touche.
But spiralized vegetables are different! Who wouldn’t want to get behind a trend as innovative as that? As a formerly pasta-addicted bagel munching gal gone gluten-free health nut, I could not resist the allure of the vegetable based noodle lifestyle. Sign me up.
This was several years ago, and I remember the excitement with which I ordered my 3-blade Spiralizer. When it came in the mail, I was sure this was the solution to those elusive last 10 pounds. Soon, my kids would be eating vegetables without complaining. The world of pasta cravings would be conquered.
Spiralizer Number 1
I remember the first time I whipped up a batch of zucchini noodles (zoodles) with basil-spinach pesto and nutritional yeast. They were raw, gluten free, vegan, and super green. I served them to my daughter, who turned to me and said, “I like these”. BOOM. There I stood, practicing my acceptance speech for the Mom Of The Year Award, silently mouthing words of gratitude into my silicone spatula.
Anxious for a repeat performance, I reached into the kitchen cabinet the next night…and accidentally grabbed the spiralizer by the blade. Be warned, a spiralizer blade is a sharp as a mandolin slicer, and it sliced through my fingertip without me even feeling it. Minutes later, my kitchen looked like a crime scene, and I was permanently (emotionally) scarred.
I tried to use the spiralizer again, but every time I looked at it, I remembered that cut, instantly getting goose bumps like fingernails on a chalkboard. The spiralizer gathered dust, and eventually, I donated it.
Spiralizer Number 2
The vegetable noodle trend continued, and I felt left out. Maybe I didn’t give my spiralizer a chance, or take the proper safety precautions. Ramen was becoming trendy, and I couldn’t make proper veggie ramen without a spiralizer.
Point, click, purchase. I rebought the same 3-blade Spiralizer. This time would be different, and safer. I took one of my reusable cloth sandwich bags and placed it over the blade mechanism whenever I stored it. I told myself I was being environmental, because a normal person would have just used a plastic sandwich bag to cover the blade, but not me. Never mind that the entire spiralizer gadget was made of plastic, and I had just purchased two of them.
Alas, the second spiralizer gathered dust, and eventually, I donated it.
Spiralizer Number 3
Flash forward again, and now that same spiral slicer was new and improved. It now had 4 blades…none of the useless ones from the last model, but multiple versions of the cool noodle-making ones. I could now make angel hair veggie noodles. And, the blade mechanism now folds flat into the device for storage, so no more sliced fingers. I must have it.
But wait, I am a minimalist now. I know it’s on sale, but I am trying to streamline my kitchen. The julienne peeler and I have been getting along fine for months. Just walk away. Then it happened.
I walked through the produce section of my grocery store and there they sat: pre-spiralized vegetable noodles shrink wrapped in Styrofoam for my cooking convenience. Oh, hell no. It was time to fight the power on this one. No individually wrapped produce and landfill waste was acceptable when it was perfectly easy to make your own! It was time to vote for change with my money.
Point, click, purchase. That’s how it happened. In my effort to change the world, I became the owner of a brand new, 4-blade Spiralizer. At this point, buyer’s remorse kicked in approximately five minutes after I clicked ‘Place Order’. I had officially lost my mind. Oh well, lesson learned. I want to be environmental and healthy, but shopping is not a replacement for meaningful action. I will simply return this item unopened once it arrives.
I scour the web for the return policy, only to realize that since I bought it on final sale, it is not returnable. Of course not. I wouldn’t have fully learned my lesson if I could erase my mistakes so easily. Thank you, karma. Now I’m forced to sit and ruminate on my purchasing decision a little longer while the spiralizer sits on the donation pile.
Am I really this consumerist?
Did I really just expend that much time and mental energy on a plastic gadget when I could have been doing something worthwhile?
Yes. The End.